The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

In July of 1999, The Self-Made Critic disappeared in a Movie Theater while watching The Blair Witch Project.

A day later, his notes were found...

July 31st, 1999

The Blair Witch Project

I can't believe I had to stand in line for a movie! Me! A big, important movie critic! The nerve of this theater! I haven't had to stand in line for a film since Phantom Menace! And no free popcorn! See if I give this film a good review!

Boy, you get some great previews when you come to an independent film. Bats? Ghost Dog? Please.

OK, this is supposed to be scary, but it doesn't even use the entire screen? What is this? Reminds me of footage from a wedding. Now there'd be a good movie, The Wedding Footage Project. Adam Sandler is butchered trying to sing a Duran Duran song.

OK, these townspeople are really weird. Where do these people come from? A "Freaks R Us" convention? Liked the baby, though. Good scene stealer.

Note to Self: I should go hiking in the woods sometime. Probably be a great way to score with chicks. The whole "back to nature" thing.

I'm confused. Is this real? Ask Editor, he'll know.

Coffin Rock. Good name. Good story. Not scary. A little gross.

Why don't they just shut the camera off while crossing the logs? It'd make the process a lot easier.

Weird. Dark. Really dark. Wouldn't real student film-makers have brought flood-lights?

Rocks. Kinda freaky. Why am I freaked out by rocks? Am I a sissy?

What are those noises? Is that part of the movie? Must be. Weird.

Whoa! OK, that's just spooky. Who knew trees and plants and stuff were so damned scary?

Note to Self: Forget the hiking idea. Stay in the city.

Dude! What the Hell was that!! Dude!! OK, getting scared! Just a movie. Chill. Sip the soda.

Some guy just raced out of theater, I think he was hurling.

God!!! What the Hell!!

NevR Hike. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever!!!!!! WoOds bad!

Jsus! Isn't it dalight yet!!!

God!!! No!!!!!! Dont go there!!! Nooo!!

Cant close my eyes. Cant open them. too scared. want mom.

Jesus jesus jeusus juses!!

Noo!! God no!! oh my god!! mommy!!! HandS!! Christ! CORNER!! God no!!!!!!! mommyyyyyy!

Editor's Note:

Since the SMC isn't able to continue, I'm giving The Blair Witch Project 4 5/8 Babylons. Not the kind of movie you'd take your grandmother too, but truly resets your faith in good horror movie-making.

Incidentally, after the SMC's screening of BWP, the SMC's duffel bag was found under the seat in the movie theatre stuck to the floor by 4 day old spilled Coke. It contained a box of orange Tic-Tacs, a first printing of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", a signed 8 x 10 of Catherine Zeta-Jones, and 12 rubbers.

Rated: R
Directed By: Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez
Starring: Dead people and fear. And Sticks. And more fear.
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