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Dante's Inferno Punishments, Part I
by Lore Sjöberg
The Opportunists
These are people who refused to take sides on the whole good vs.
evil thing, but just looked after themselves. (That's "chaotic neutral"
for all you D&D fans.) As a result, they're doomed to forever run after
a banner while being stung by wasps and hornets. The funny thing here
is that these people aren't technically in hell. They're not evil enough
to be in hell, so they're in the VESTIBULE of hell. Being stung by wasps
forever. I didn't even know Hell HAD a vestibule. C-
The Virtuous Pagans
Another group that fell between the ecclesiastical cracks are those
who died before Christ made the scene. Never having experienced God's
word in the form of door-to-door missionaries, they just kind of hang
around and sigh about the fact that while not being tortured for all
time is nice and all, it's not as nice as heaven. I think this is that
"Leonard Cohen afterworld" Kurt Cobain was going on about. Except, um,
without Leonard Cohen. B
The Carnal
Lustful people spend eternity in a dark damp whirlwind. This is poetic justice
in ways I'm not going into. I do want to point out, though, that this still
seems better than following a flag while being stung by wasps. There are
a lot of famous people here: Cleopatra, Helen, Tristan. If meeting celebrities
in unpleasant dark hangouts is what Hell's all about, it's even more
like LA than I suspected. D+
The Gluttons
Now we're getting into gruesome punishments. Gluttons can't eat or drink
in Hell because they ate and drank so much in life. And they are trapped
in putrid soil because they produced nothing but garbage in life. And
they are being torn apart constantly by Cerberus's three sets of bloody teeth,
because Dante is one sick motherfucker. B
The Hoarders and the Wasters
Hoarders and wasters get the same punishment: they have to slam weights
against each other, then do it again forever. Of course, this is Hell,
so "do it again forever" is implied. Hell is all about job security. This
is kind of a lame punishment, but excessive hoarding or wasting
(Of what? Ketchup packets?) is kind of a lame sin. D-
Next Week: Slime, the Sullen, and Centaurs
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