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by Lore Sjöberg
Hash Browns
The unwritten law of diner food is that the dishes served
are not intended to be palatable in and of themselves, but rather are
intended as substrates for such condiments as ketchup, Tabasco sauce,
and the bitter tang of lost love. As such, hash browns (or, in your
classier dives, "hashed browns") are the perfect platform of starch,
fat, and salt upon which to build your dining experience. A
Eggs
"Eggs any style" really means "eggs either style," scrambled or
fried. Theoretically you can order your fried eggs in a variety of
consistencies, but "over medium" is likely to get you a shrug in most
diners, followed by a plate of whatever type of fried egg the cook felt
like making. "Poached" will get you a cold stare. Mentioning chives will
get you ejected. B-
Coffee
Of all things served in the diner, coffee is the most crucial. It's
not that it needs to be good -- it won't be. The critical point is
that the tables have coffee cups on them when you sit down, and that an
upturned and empty coffee cup is regarded as a blasphemous sin against
God and nature. Any diner that regards coffee as something you order,
rather than something you drink to make it possible to order, should be
investigated by the authorities. A
Biscuits and Gravy
Normally I don't have high standards for diner
food, but I do prefer my "country gravy" not to have the taste of
aluminum. Canned gravy goes beyond simple blandness and into the magical
land of wood glue. Actual gravy made in the diner, on the other hand,
can be merely bad and thus acceptable. A hint to tell the difference:
if the menu says "our country gravy" it's probably made from something
resembling scratch. If it says "real country gravy," it's can opener time.
C
Chicken Fried Steak
This is what late-night/early-morning diner food is
all about. You take a bad cut of beef. You dredge it in flour and deep-fry
that mother. You cover it with gravy. Then you serve it with eggs and
hash browns. Incredibly enough, after eating this 100% fat gram repast,
it's still considered bad manners to fall asleep or die at the
table. B+
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