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Remove Grass Stains from Jeans

Rub the stain with a little baking soda, then sit down with the jeans and explain how you feel about grass stains. Try to make "I" statements, such as "I don't like the grass stains you have" rather than "You're too stained."

Clean Blood From a Birthday Cake

For a merely blood-spattered birthday cake you can often cover the spots with frosting roses. For a truly blood-soaked cake, you may have to simply serve it and say "It's a blood-soaked birthday cake. What did you expect?"

Freshen a Garbage Disposal

The easiest method for cleaning a garbage disposal is to attach a license plate and "Skateboarding is Not a Crime" bumper sticker to it and tell the guy at the car wash that it's actually an '83 Nissan Maxima. After this it should be sealed in an airtight but transparent container and placed on a tasteful marble pedestal for your guests to admire.

Remove Unsightly Pants

The key to successful pants removal is to first make sure that the person affected has removed his or her shoes. After this, it's a relatively simple matter to unbutton and/or unzip them, and then carefully slide them over the hips and legs. In extremely stubborn cases, shallow flattery may be employed to assist in pants removal.

Keep Computers From Taking Over The World

First, take note of the year. Before 1974, you must confront the computer with a paradox such as "I'm lying right now" or ask it to compose a love poem. Between 1974 and 1987, you should guess the ridiculously obvious backdoor password. After 1987 you should upload a virus to it using your Apple Macintosh.

Remove Original Sin

The stain of the sin of Adam on the soul of every mortal can be removed with a mixture of baking soda and dishwashing liquid, first testing it on an inobtrusive section of your immortal spirit to make sure that it will not harm it. Your soul should then be air-dried and sprinkled with rug deodorizer.

Get Rid of Cockroaches and Rats

Given that an atomic bomb will leave only the rats and cockroaches alive, it stands to reason that an atomic bomb from the Opposite Dimension will kill only the rats and roaches, leaving everything else intact. Travel to the Opposite Dimension and join one of the many student groups dedicated to total nuclear armament. When a sit-in at the Student Center immediately forces the federal government to give in to your demands, take your own personal atomic bomb back to our dimension and detonate it.

Remove Stains from Baking Soda

Shut up. Just shut up.

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