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Input Devices
by Lore Sjöberg
Mice
Many a cartoonist otherwise out of ideas has gotten yards of ostensible
hilarity out of sticking a slice of Swiss cheese next to a computer mouse.
Supposedly this sort of juxtaposition of linked, yet disparate elements
is the essence of humor, but it just makes me think of what it would be
like to spend eight hours a day pressing on a mouse's buttocks. Not great,
is my guess. B-
Trackballs
Yeah! Missile Command! I can't imagine why nobody has come up with a
Missile Command-themed operating system, or at least an office suite,
for those with trackballs. Protect your spreadsheets from incoming
nuclear destruction plus smart bombs! Lay down a protective layer
of virus-thwarting explosions! Something like that. Marble Madness
could be fun, too. A-
Laptop Nipples
You know what I mean, the little blue nub on some laptops that you
poke around with a finger. I don't know what the official name is,
probably "trackpointer" or something equally lame, but the vernacular
term is immediately evocative, so let's go with it. I haven't used
these much, but I'm against them mainly on the principle that if the
same cartoonists who put cheese next to computer mice get these
ensconced in their collective semi-conscious, we're going to see some
really bad cartoons. D+
Tablets
This is easily the most natural form of input for people who
grew up writing on paper that has to be precisely aligned along lines of
magnetic force, using a pen that actually leaves marks on an entirely
different piece of paper a couple feet away. For everyone else, though,
there's a period of adjustment to the fact that a tablet works just enough
like a pen and paper to fuck you up. B
Trackpads
Most modern input devices, and trackpads in particular, suffer
from the same limitation: people on Star Trek would look really
stupid using them. Imagine: The Enterprise (Real Star Trek shows
have an Enterprise. It's that simple.) is being attacked by the
Corinthians or the Calgons or whatever, and everyone -- helm,
science officer, chief engineer -- is twirling their pointer fingers
around on trackpads like a class full of kindergarteners trying
to fingerpaint on Post-It notes. Bad scene. C-
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