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Lights
by Lore Sjöberg
Flashlights
Sweet mother of Britney, where would we be without flashlights? I
weep to consider! Think of all the slumber party ghost stories
left unaccented by high-contrast spooky faces! Think of all the
episodes of "The X-Files" having to take place in well-lit libraries
and shopping malls! And in our sad secular age, so lacking in rituals,
how many of us knew that we had reached adulthood the day we figured out
that we can't make our own working Bat-Signal? A world without flashlights
would be tragically lacking in intrigue and uses for D-cells. A
Nightlights
As comforting as a glowing Scooby-Doo can be -- and that's mightily
comforting -- it doesn't do shit for earthquakes, which was my big
night terror growing up, and by "growing up" I mean "until I was in
college." It's a side-effect of living in California. Anyhow, in
'89 I was in a big massive headline-grabbing quake, and I survived
so I'm much better about it all. Plus I'm moving to North Carolina,
where earthquakes aren't a problem but nightlights only serve to
attract fearsome night-flying insects the size of Happy Meal toys. C-
The Sun
Personally, I'm against it. It's hot, I don't know if you've noticed
that, and if you get too much of it, it makes your nose fall off. Also,
it makes life on earth possible, which means that it's ultimately
responsible for those "Stacker2.com" commercials. Finally, did you know
that the sun contains 99.8% of the total mass of the solar system? Fuck that
noise! D+
Headlights
"Sure," many people say. "Headlights give us a place to put the eyes on
our cartoon automobiles, but what else are they good for?" Let me tell
you, person. Headlights make it possible to drive at night and not kill
people, so let's have no more of your scoffing. B
Candles
Nothing's quite so romantic as the ever-present possibility of dying in
a flesh-charring conflagration. When it's dark, and you're alone with
the one you love, bodies bathed in the warm glow of dozens of flickering
candles, you think about how important it is to find true love before
the house burns down. You also think of that one music video. The one
with all the candles. B
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