As much as we'd love to have this be an "interactive" section, so that everybody could immediately see whatever comments even the most cretinous of our readers choose to issue from their cheeselike minds, we've discovered that if we do that, this screen tends to consist of nothing more than the phrase "0ZZY RULES!!!!!" repeated over and over. So you can send us mail via the form below or via comments@brunching.com, and if you're particularly insightful or easy to make fun of, we'll post your mail and our response here. 11 March 2002 Name: Holly Y. Black Ron: 9.25 inches length, 4.5 inches circumference (1.43 inch diameter) Matthew (according to Brenda): 9.82 inches length, 5.16 inches circumference (1.64 inch diameter) Matthew (according to Alan): 9.73 inches length, 5.24 inches circumference (1.67 inch diameter) Burke: 9.45 inches Brady: 0.0106 inches, oddly enough. Methinks someone's calculations might be a little off... Remember a picosecond is 10 to the -12 seconds, you may have meant a nanosecond (10 to the -9 seconds), which would make Brady's staff of maleness 10.6 inches long. Eglidah: Variable; a cubit is defined as the distance from a man's elbow to the tip of his middle finger. As for the circumference and diameter, that really depends on the ram. Darryl: 7.83 inches According to www.sexualrecords.com, "Almost 88% of all men fall between 5-7 inches when erect," the average erect length is 6.21 inches (standard deviation: 0.77 inches), and the average erect circumference is 4.85 inches (standard deviation: 0.71 inches). So all of the males in your story are pretty damn well endowed. Yers Troolie, Holly Yeah, nanosecond. We meant nanosecond, not picosecond. We make that mistake all the time. Name: Philip Roberts Go to http://www.mcduff.dabsol.co.uk/tattoo.htm for more details.... Phil Roberts Okay plus yes! Now this is the sort of insane appreciation we enjoy. Indelible auto-vandalism! Needless to say, Phil's getting into the Order of the Individual Cereal Unit. Mr. Roberts, you shall hence be known as Lord High Mueslic. Name: Beth George Cola is a fantasia of citrus, cinnamon and vanilla. The Big Two brands let very little of either come through. With off-brands or store brands, you can often taste a vague cinnamony note, a touch of lemon, maybe a cloying essence of vanilla. My oddest cola experience to date happened at a Renaissance Faire, at which they sold Ye Olde Snowe Conese. One of the flavors was "Dragon's Blood." Now, I'm all for being able to understand the lanuages of various species, so I asked if it really was dragon's blood. "It's a cola flavor" replied the Snow Cone Wench. Now, if you're going to have an out-of-period treat at all, why rre-name cola. And it's not as if I had to torture the Wench to get her to give away the true nature of dragon's blood. I mean, she said "Cola" before I finished my sentence! --Beth 8 AM: "Why yes, good sir, it is dragon's blood, culled from the very fiercest dragon in the land by the bravest, finest knight in the kingdom." 10 AM: "Indeed it is, from the fiercest dragon in the land." 12 Noon: "Indeed it is." 1 PM: "Yes." 2 PM: "Actually, it's a cola flavor." 3 PM: "It's a cola flavor." 4 PM: "Cola." 07 November 2001 Name: Geoffrey Odd Persons, persons. The title of "In Like Flint" is a reference to the much-earlier phrase, "In Like Flynn." Ask learned man and fellow smartass Cecil Adams if you don't believe me. Name: Andy Hungerford Well, that's good to hear. If we can just confirm that Tyrannosaurs actually made glasses of water form concentric ripples, then we're all set. Name: Jon Woodward If you poke a fork into the creamy middle of an oreo cookie before dunking it, you can use the fork to dunk the cookie. That way, you keep your hands dry and you dunk the whole cookie at once. Try it and see. This is one of those things, like TiVo and democracy, that you never really realize you need until you've experienced it. 22 September 2001 Name: Daisie Iris Huang I have recently been perusing the BBC's Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition (at www.h2g2.com). I've been reading random articles written by random researchers, and have found it to be really interesting and edifying. However, I did a search for the Brunching Shuttlecocks, and found that there was no mention of the site in the Guide at all! This was unacceptable to me. Everyone should know about the hysterical wonder that is the Brunching Shuttlecocks site. So I wrote an entry. You can see it here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A600139 Now all hitchhikers will know about your site. Yay. I'm happy now. Brunchingly yours, Daisie Huang aka Clickie (Researcher 179692) Hey, thanks by the heap. It's a deep and throbbing honor to be listed among such entries as What to Do If You See a Famous Person in London" and "How to Make a Plastic Bag Bra". Name: Ashleigh Doherty In the recent rating of More Airline Catalog stuff, the semiprecious stone encrusted globe was mentioned. I've seen these things, and thought it somehow worthy to point out that since there's so many countries in the whole Europe-Africa-Asia area, the globe constantly has that end pointing down. Too many rocks. So you can admire all the places you'd like to go spinning by..until they wind up facing the top of your desk. Ashleigh Yet another reason not to combine geography and geology, except under the supervision of a medical professional. Name: dspeer As it turns out, the engaging and fresh-smelling readers at the Unofficial Official Unofficial Brunching Bulletin Board are keeping a casual archive of sites that have appeared in what we at Brunching Central refer to as the "indicia link." As far as I know, they've logged every site to which we've linked along with interesting guesses as to what the letters stand for. 22 August 2001 Name: Terri Irving We recently were testing out a software product that allows AIBO to read (yes, vocally read) websites and e-mail. Right now, PDA sites work best, and I was asked if I knew of any for testing. Your PDA page sprung to mind, and before I knew it, The Brunching Shuttlecocks became testing fodder for the AIBO. Nothing brings joy to my heart more than seeing a roomful of corporate types giggle as AIBO says "stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid" and "lame, lame, lame, lame." AIBO has given the Self-Made Critic a voice, and it is a male, monotone, robotic voice. Cheers! If you can get it to whine whenever some actress stays clothed throughout a movie, it might even make a good emergency back-up Critic. At any rate, we're always glad to play a part in the development of networked talking robotic animals. Always. Name: Clayton Dilks Hey, Your Indigo-Girls-Playing Roommate has few enough reasons for personal pride. And you want to reduce his package. That's just mean. Name: ali I can only assume from this mail that AltaVista's Babelfish is stalking me. 3 May 2001 Name: Ed Okay, kids, I'm not usually one to explain or justify our material, but some people are going just the tiniest bit batshit over this, so I'm going to provide you with a quick lesson in Applied HTML. Listen up. If you'll be so kind as to check out the source code for The Mr. T Name Generator, you'll see that all the text fields are of the form <INPUT TYPE="text">. There's no "name" or "value" property. In HTMLese, this means that the information you type into these fields never gets sent. Honest Native American, the numbers never even leave your computer. The only way this form is going to supply someone with your Social Security Number is if they're standing over your shoulder when you type it. So calm the hell down. Name: Richard A. Almeida muSop cowlIj tIn 'e' yIchaw'Qo' Which literally translates as, "Do not permit your giant cow to eat me." The Captain notes that Klingons have neither words for Terran animals like cows nor pleasantries such as "please." Best, Rick Almeida "Captain Krankor"? Name: Harvey Rook In http://www.brunching.com/features/feature-dentist.html David Neilson writes... "Do they think less of me because I don't floss?" In http://www.brunching.com/features/meforking.html David Neilson writes... "I floss weekly" So was there an flossing epiphany? Sigh. I need a life. Actually, I need a job where I won't goof off and surf the net. Harv Let's play Spot the Irony! Which of the following things is ironic about the previous letter? 1. The mailing is titled "Inconsistencies" but there's only one inconsistency. 2. The author's attention to detail doesn't include remembering that you only use the word "an" before vowel sounds. 3. The author takes great interest in David Neilsen's commitment to dental hygiene but not, apparently, in how David's last name is spelled. Write your answer on a 3x5 card and tape it to your forehead. 12 April 2001 Name: Ryan Taylor Name: Ted Prodromou Name: Adam Engelhart Name: Nick Dierks Name: Christian Hess Name: Kappa Slow QUAESO NON CONCEDETE UT BOS IMMANIS TUA DEVORARET MIHI! Name: Matt Dopkiss Hey, great. Now do Klingon. 30 March 2001 Name: "Burk, Justin" In addition, "The Air Force: Robots in Disguise" would be a much better slogan than "No One Comes Close." Name: "Roisman, Dan" Great. Ingenius. You're all funny as a hamster in a bucket of KY. And less crass. Impressive. One point of note: The Olsen twins are fraternal. Amazing but true. Which means. . . They were never a single zygote. Nit picked. Carry on. -dan Huh. I was as incredulous at this information as one can be if one doesn't really care. So I looked it up on the Web -- which never lies -- and indeed, this Dan person speaks truly. As much as Mary-Kate and Ashley resemble each other, they're not identical twins in the technical sense. This only supports my "Dark Pact With the Beast from the Pit" theory. Name: Adam Griffith We've been a religious site since we realized that only the all-encompassing love of the Lord Jesus Christ can free our hearts of the wrath put there by stupid letters like yours. 5 March 2001 Name: Melissa Further notes: Cheetara was the only female voice actor for the first half of the series, so every female guest character sounded like her. And every villain in Season Four was done by Tygra. Ah, but who are they going to get for the inevitable Thundercats live-action movie? ("Crouching Tygra, Hidden Panthro") I'd like to see Jet Li as Lion-O or Mum-Ra and Cameron Diaz as Cheetara or Mum-Ra. Name: Derbyl I think you only need help if you leave out the "strangely" part. You're asking me because I print weird-ass yowps like this all the time. Name: Wisdom, James Case in point. |
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