by Lore Sjöberg

Here Comes Santa Claus
This is a blatant example of lazy songwriting. I mean, really, "Santa Claus Lane"? Where, exactly, is Santa Claus Lane? If your particular town doesn't have a Santa Claus Lane, does that mean Santa Claus can't come right down it, and children will wake up Christmas morning to find nothing but empty stockings and apologies? Or is it like a carpool lane, a special section of the freeway you can't drive unless you're a jolly old elf or are accompanied by a jolly old elf? Correct answer: they made it up, it sounds jaunty. C-

Frosty the Snowman
You know what I like about this song? It has an honest-to-Kringle sad ending. Doomed from the start, Frosty ends up melting like a Crayola on the dashboard, with only the promise that he'll come back again someday. It's the Empire Strikes Back of Christmas carols. A-

Jingle Bell Rock
I don't know where they get off calling this "rock." It's not even Jingle Bell Easy Listening. Not a great song in the first place, this is made even worse by its overinflated sense of hipness. I can just imagine some sixty-five-year-old crooner saying "And here's one the young people will enjoy." You want to hear a Christmas rock song? The Kinks, "Father Christmas," end of story. D

The Chipmunk Song
The starkly limited appeal that the chipmunks ever held for me was hearing hits of the Eighties rendered in their electronically tortured little voices. (Which is not to say that most Eighties pop stars didn't themselves have electronically tortured voices.) Given that, I fail to see why anyone would be interested in their original compositions. How do you explain Christ to a chipmunk anyway? D-

The Little Drummer Boy
There's something charming about this, a song about the world's first drum solo. It also has a nice little lesson about how you should give whatever you can. Presumably if the drummer boy didn't have his drum, he would have given the newborn savior a little shadow puppet show or something. Me, I would have just asked one of the wise men if I could put my name on his gift too and pay him back later. B

My Favorite Things
When did this become a Christmas song? I remember hearing this as part of the infuratingly soothing mall lineup a few Christmases ago, and since then it's been a minor player in the carol scene. It has a couple references to mittens and packages and the like, but it's hardly a seasonal song. Can't we all agree that the Christmas canon doesn't need adding to? If you're really getting tired of the usual songs -- and who isn't -- learn "Fum Fum Fum" or "The Wassail Song" or something. C-