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by Lore Sjöberg
Grasshoppers
Not the best confection to emerge from the Keebler
Eviscerated Elf Tree. I'm not sure what "elfin magic"
is, but it appears to be essential to making a mediocre version
of Girl Scout Thin Mints. I'd love to see the
Grasshopper-Thin-Mint thing come to blows, because
it could end up in a no-holds-barred
battle royale between Girl Scouts and cartoon elves, and
who wouldn't want to see that? "Two cookie purveyors enter, one
cookie purveyor leaves." D+
Chips Ahoy
I distrust all attempts to adulterate the Basic Crunchy Store-Bought
Chocolate Chip Cookie. I'm disillusioned, for example, by the
number of people who are willing to buy that "soft" store-bought cookies
are "home-style" when a more accudescription would be "oddly grainy."
Chips Ahoy, to be fair, have shown up in various Bizzarro-cookie
formats over the years, but the original crunchy
break-into-a-million-pieces-in-the-box version abides. Aside from
capturing the very quintessence of chocolate chip cookies, Chips
Ahoy are also finely optimized for the milk-dunking treatment,
absorbing the milk perfectly and only falling to bits just often enough
to keep things interesting. A
Barnum Circus Animals
Unlike their enfrosted cousins, these are clearly recognizable
by species. And as such, they're ideal for that most charming
of childhood rituals: slow meticulous dismemberment. Whether
head-first or feet-first, animal cookies inevitably go through
the sort of torture that makes the movie "Seven" look like a
sunny, family-oriented 50's musical. It's fun! B+
Pecan Sandies
As cookies, these aren't bad, but they have to lose big points
for the name. Maybe it's just that I live in a beach town, but
"sandy" is not a word I want describing my cookies. Whenever I
eat them, some subconscious portion of my mind is on grit alert.
You can see how that would be unpleasant. C-
SnackWell's Chocolate Sandwich Cookies
These have that "dropped a cookie on the car floor, discovered
it a week later, looked it over and decided it was okay to eat
because, hey, who's going to know unless of course you write a
Web page about it" taste. Kind of stale and gross. All in all, I'd
rather eat half as many real cookies -- or even say a quarter-teaspoon of
good quality olive oil -- than these. D-
Springtime Oreos
I covered Oreos last time, so you may be wondering why I'm touching
on these, when they're the same damned cookie, just with light blue
centers. My point precisely. Are we such mindless consumers that
we're willing to treat Oreos with tinted "stuf" as an entirely
different product? Are we willing to sell out the national attention
span for the price of a couple drops of blue food coloring? Well,
I am, but I was wondering about you. C+
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