In Which We Start Picking On The New President Already
by Lore Sjöberg

The lineup for the Bush administration's inaugural parade has been released, and already we're seeing the old-boy network in action. Towards the bottom of the list we see that the parade will feature "Star the Clown, Texas."

Isn't it an interesting coincidence that the single, solitary clown in the inaugural parade is a Texas clown? Can the President-elect say, in all honesty, that Star the Clown is the best clown for the job? Even based on the meager information we have, it wouldn't seem so. Up until the previous Bush administration, it was a requirement that all federal clown funds go only to "entertainers whose names are prefixed by the word 'Mister,' suffixed by the letter 'o,' or involve a humorous misspelling involving the letter 'k.'" This proud American tradition gave us many excellent Clown Laureates such as "Mr. Tumbles," "Mr. Bumpo," "Rainbo K. Krazy," and "Spiro Agnew." Isn't it interesting, then, that the President-elect's own father instituted the very deregulation that allows the inaugural parade to feature a clown with the inexplicably prosaic name of "Star"?

I think it will seem far more likely to any unbiased observer that Star is a clown with connections. Even the most cursory background check reveals that Star the Clown has assembled more than a few balloon animals for George W. Bush. No doubt Bush has been very pleased with the over two-fifty in change pulled out of his ear and thrown into the campaign coffers over the years. And I, myself, have viewed footage of Star the Clown leaning over Governor Bush's shoulder, and whispering in barely-audible conspiratorial tones that Bush can have "whatever he wishes for" if the then-Governor agrees to "blow out the candles."

I think it's high time we demanded accountability in our leaders' kid-pleasing entertainment selections. Do we need another repeat of the Johnson Administration's "Amazing Astoundo Scandal" before we see the truth? Then, it took the sawing-in-half of several Labor leaders to make the public question the Executive Branch's choice of party magicians. Can we afford to make the same mistake now?

Please, write your congresspersons. Organize. Speak out. Or, if you must, sit on your couch and mutter. Do whatever it takes to stop this corrupt clown selection before our political process is turned into, I don't know, some sort of flashy, noisy traveling entertainment spectacle.