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by Lore Sjöberg
You know the story. Peter Parker, nerdboy, is bitten by a radioactive
spider, blah blah speed and agility blah blah Aunt May blah blah
Revlon sales representative blah blah elbow macaroni blah blah cartoons.
But what, we ask ourselves between games of "Gran Tourismo,"
if some other animal had somehow made its way into that fateful
science experiment, become radioactive, and gave old Pete a
love nip? We know you've wondered something similar, and we present
our answers below.
| Elephant |
Has the proportional strength and speed of an elephant.
Unfortunately this leaves him weak, feeble, and
barely able to move. |
| Lungfish |
Gains the power to breathe air, which is obviously not that
impressive, and also the ability to sleep for long periods of time when thirsty. |
| Human |
Becomes Human-Man, a man with the proportional strength
and speed of a human; able to cling to cherished values and
select comfortable socks. |
| Planarian |
Does whatever a planarian can, which is pretty much limited to
eating tubifex worms and absorbing the memories of other
planarian-based superheroes, if such existed. |
| Sea Lion |
Gains "Sea Lion Sense," which is just the ability to detect
female sea lions in heat. While marginally helpful to marine
biologists, this does not make for great superheroics. |
| Panda |
Able to eat only bamboo shoots, which strikes fear into the
hearts of evil bamboo shoots everywhere. |
| Ferret |
Blinding speed and sharp teeth make him a reasonably effective
crimefighter, but being banned in California and Hawaii makes
it difficult to pursue fugitive supervillains. |
| Lemur |
Gains great strength and agility, as well as the ability
to cling to reasonably knobbly surfaces. However, after rejecting
the names "Lemur-Man," "The Amazing Lemur," and "Judge Lemur,"
decides just to go into banking instead.
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