The Patriotic Chicken Run
reviewed by The Self-Made Critic

The chickens are coming! The chickens are coming!

In what will undoubtedly become known as the Mel Gibson 2000 Summer World Tour, Mel has released two remarkably similar movies right on top of each other. But which is more worthy of the mantle of Mel, Chicken Run or The Patriot? Which is the true Gibson family jewel? Let's find out, shall we?

Mel's Studly Role:

Chicken Run: Mel stars as Rocky the Rooster, a flamboyant American who helps a rag-tag team of hens escape certain death at the hands of British Chicken Farmers.

The Patriot: Mel stars as Benjamin Martin, a peaceful American chicken farmer who helps a rag-tag team of colonists escape certain death at the hands of The British Empire.

Mel's Gorgeous Co-Stars:

Chicken Run: Numerous claymation hens who talk in a British accent and long for freedom.

The Patriot: Joely Richardson, a fine-looking real-life chick who talks in a British accent and longs for the freedom to jump Mel.

Chicken Run: Mrs. Tweedy, a ruthless chicken farmer intent on turning all of her chickens into meat pies.

The Patriot: Col. William Tavington, a ruthless British soldier intent on turning all of Mel's family into mincemeat.

Mel's Heroic Exploits:

Chicken Run: Does his best to teach the hens to fly, even though, technically, chickens can't fly.

The Patriot: Does his best to kill every single British soldier on American soil, even though it isn't yet, technically, American soil.

OK, those are the comparisons, and I think it's easy to see why so many people continue to get the two films confused with one another.

But these aren't identical films. One of them doesn't even star real people, but only their voices as spoken by little bits of clay. Truly amazing.

Also, Chicken Run is a light and ingeniously humorous tale for kids. And Adults. And your best friend Earl. And his dog. Everyone will like it. Meanwhile, The Patriot is a bloody Revolutionary War epic that is almost as long as the war itself. History majors will be forced to see it.

But the biggest test of any Mel Gibson movie is simple: would you want to sleep with him in this movie?

Well in The Patriot he's a war hero, a widower, and a man wearing a pony tail. Pretty darned hunky. In Chicken Run he's a rooster. Also, pretty darned hunky.

In the end, Chicken Run is a much better movie than The Patriot. It's also about half as long, which means you could almost see it twice in the time it'd take you to sit through The Patriot. And in the end, that's a much better idea.

I'm giving The Patriot 2 Babylons, and Chicken Run 4 1/2 Babylons. I've said it once, I'll say it again, go do yourself a favor and see Chicken Run. The best thing to happen to farm animals and the vegan movement since Babe.

Editor's Note:

I can't believe that the SMC pulled this off. Maybe next week he'll compare The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, starring the voice of Renee Russo, with Lethal Weapon IV, starring Renee Russo, after which, actually, he can then pick up the Mel Gibson thread again and do yet ANOTHER review of Chicken Run. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.

the Patriotic Chicken Run
Rated: R and G. You get to guess which is which.
Directed By: Roland Emmerich, Nick Park and Peter Lord
Starring: Mel Gibson, The Voice of Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger, The Voice of Julia Sawalha, some British and American soldiers and tons of McNuggets.