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by Lore Sjöberg
Men! People who are willing to pretend to be men for the duration
of a Web page! You can find the love you desire! Yes, even a
glassy-eyed parka-wearing slob like you!
The secret, as with so many other things, is bald dishonesty.
Your local paper, knowing that your so-called "charms" are as
sidewalk earthworms to third-graders, has provided you with a
convenient way to lie like a Senator in hopes of getting a
woman to be seen with you in public: the Personals page!
And now we make it even easier. Just look up the sordid truth
about yourself in the left column of the table below,
and use the phrase in the right column to translate it into a
paragraph of deceit designed to attract lonely women like common
household vermin!
| Age: | Say: |
|---|
| 15-35 | young |
| 36-122 | mature |
| You are: | Say: |
|---|
| ugly | smart |
| dumb | handsome |
| ugly and dumb | fit |
| ugly dumb and slovenly | interesting |
| ugly, dumb, slovenly and dull | honest |
| ugly, dumb, slovenly, dull, and dishonest | smart, handsome, fit, and interesting |
| You enjoy: | Say: |
|---|
| gathering recycled cans at the seashore | long walks on the beach |
| hiding from the IRS in the mountains | long walks in the woods |
| looking for housing so you can move off the street | long walks in the rain |
| booze, booze, booze | wine tasting |
| yelling at those liars at the electric company | dinner by candlelight |
| threatening strangers | conversation |
| feeling women up in public | dancing |
| watching bouncing women in lycra | fitness |
| having women bring you food | fine dining |
| sex | cuddling |
| You expect her to be: | Say: |
|---|
| slim | fit |
| anorexic | slim |
| anorexic with huge breasts | proportional height and weight |
| kinky | outgoing |
| jailbait | youthful |
| stunning | good-looking |
| completely stunning | attractive |
| mind-bogglingly, painfully stunning | beautiful |
| breathing | intelligent |
| You're looking for: | Say: |
|---|
| friendship, maybe more | friendship, maybe more |
| casual relationship | friendship, maybe more |
| serious relationship | friendship, maybe more |
| hot, fast, oozing sex | friendship, maybe more |
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