The Phantom
reviewed by The Self-Made Critic

This, I am told, is the ultimate Saturday Afternoon Matinee from your Childhood.

I'm not sure what they mean by that because the Saturday Matinees from my childhood were The Breakfast Club and Tootsie. Neither of those movies are anything like The Phantom.

Before I tell you about the movie, I gotta tell you about my ring. See, there's this ring that he wears in the movie, and the guy at the theater gave us these replicas. The rings are totally cool. Metal, not skanky plastic things, real metal. I'm wearing mine forever.

And to add to the effect, we decided to sit in the balcony. I highly recommend you do so, if you have a balcony available. If you don't, ask a fellow patron if you can sit piggy-back on his or her shoulders. Trust me.

The movie opens with the phrase "For Those of You Who Have Just Joined Us..." (or something like that. I didn't realize it was the movie, because it directly followed a big ad saying "The following trailer is recorded in THX." but the idiots in the theater forgot to include the trailer so I spent the first five minutes thinking it was odd that they would show a trailer for The Phantom at a showing of The Phantom. But I digress.)

The opening phrase sets the tone for what will be and is, a playful romp through a colorful, exciting, cliffhanger adventure. This was not Batman, it was Raiders of the Lost Ark.

And you know, for a movie about a purple hero, it was pretty darned good.

Billy Zane (who?) is delightful as The Ghost Who Walks. He takes little seriously and the character is a joy to watch. The babes are wonderful. And there are two, one blonde, one brunette. Symmetry.

The villain is also a lot of fun. Great name. Xander Drax. "Starts with an X, ends with an X!"

The plot is straight out of a comic book. Probably literally. Xander wants the three skulls of Ali Baba Whatsamits so he can have ultimate power which looks a lot like a green pen light. For some reason, he captures the blond babe and The Phantom has to save everybody.

Along the way, he runs amok in the Jungles of Africa and the Jungles of New York, beating up anyone who dares get in his way. It starts a little slow, or maybe that was me wondering why they'd gone into so much detail for the preview, but just starts to fly and it doesn't stop to let you catch your breath.

This thing is filled with great lines - "Tie her up," woman is punched unconscious, "Or not." - and great stunts - I've never actually seen anyone mount a horse quite that way before.

However, with everything, this is a movie for the kids. The Phantom shoots everybody to disarm, not kill. The few killings we do see are not bloody, and we're usually not looking at them when they die, but at the reaction of someone watching them die. We counted one swear word, and there isn't any gratuitous flesh shots, much as we may have wanted them. But hey, we're lonely little boys.

For me, the one big flaw is the music. It wasn't dramatic enough for me. There would be times when I wanted the music to bring my heart to a pounding fury, but it just sat there like a dead thing that just sits there. I need to work on my metaphors.

Did I mention my ring?

In all, this movie has spunk and flash, and is fun for the whole family. I give it 3 1/4 Babylons. Why 3 1/4? Because I wanted to use a quarter Babylon.

Until next time (which will probably be Sunday as I must see The Rock and worship The Sean) this has been the self made critic.

Adiou .. Adiex .. Aidueu ... Later.

Editor's note:

Last week's review of Dragonheart has been upgraded to 3 1/2 Babylons. Why? Because the self-made critic couldn't stop thinking about the movie all week, and his father liked it a lot. You got a better reason?

Forward:

Actually, it's an afterward, cause it's last, but I like Forward because you might read this, then decide that you need to go read the review again because I called this the forward.

Wait, I had a point to make.



Can't think of what it might have been.

Oh well.