The Brunching Shuttlecocks Satanic Advice

Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about goldfish.

Kids, a goldfish is more than that first pet or earliest confidant, it's a responsibility. You need to learn to properly care for your goldfish, or you could end up the sad owner of a dead fish, and you'll be doomed to Hell.

The first thing to think about, even before the fish, is the bowl. You need a proper receptacle to house your new friend. Remember, this is going to be its home, so be kind. When I'm caging the souls of the damned in Hell, I make sure to use the most painful cages of rotting flesh, filled with fire and locusts. Your fish would probably not be comfortable in such a cage. Remember, the right home for the right occasion.

Once you've got the bowl, it's time for the fish. While you're at the store, take care to bond with the fish and find the one that best responds to you. Of course, fish aren't all that responsive. Unlike in Hell, where I can usually choose which demon to torture which pathetic mortal based on the amount of terrorized screaming they emit.

But at the fish store, you're not as lucky, and you may want to go for the one that turned your way when you tapped on the glass.

Now you've got your fish, and you've taken it home. First things first, dump that fish in the bowl! Just like the liquefied remains of the ever-living when I dump them into the great Cauldron of eternal pain, the fish will swim madly about at first, until it comes to terms with its new home. Now you have a new friend.

But you're not done there. You have to lovingly feed it regularly, or it will flop over and die, and you'll go straight to Hell.

I recommend fish food. Because unlike humans, who howl in fear and pain as night after night I feed them living scarabs which then eat their way out of the stomach and through the body, fish don't mind eating the same thing all the time. They're not that picky.

The last thing to consider when taking care of a goldfish, is to clean the bowl. A dirty bowl can lead to a sick fish, cloudy water, and yes, to Hell.

Remember Kids, a goldfish is a friend for life. And if you abuse it or neglect it, you will wind up eternally flushed down the toilet of Hell.

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