Satan on Weddings
by David Neilsen

Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about proper Wedding Etiquette.

Kids, when you're invited to a wedding, it should be treated as the utmost honor. The Bride and Groom have asked you to be with them at the most special moment of their lives, and to take that lightly is crude, boorish, and a guaranteed ticket to eternal damnation. When I take a personal interest in the torture of a particular immortal soul and invite them into my personal domain for an eon of uninterrupted pain, they know that this is a special offer, I can't oversee the misery of everyone, and they are touched by more than just toxic maggots that gnaw their way through their genitals, they are touched by my compassion.

Speaking of invites, let's tackle this tricky little number, shall we? When the wedding invite arrives, it should be answered promptly. Whether you intend to attend or not, a speedy reply shows that you care, you're thoughtful, and is a good way to stay out of Hell.

Of course, when an invite arrives in Hell, it usually devours you whole, or slashes your belly open with a massive paper cut, allowing your innards to ooze out into to your terror-ridden hands, the sound of your screams providing all the reply necessary. But most invites will simply include a self-addressed stamped envelope.

Now that you've accepted the invitation, you need to find a gift for the lucky Bride and Groom. Most couples will have registered their desires at a store such as Macy's, Robinson's May, or Target. Find out where they are registered and go shopping! Of course, if you are particularly close to the couple, you may consider a more personal gift. Often times I will be invited to a wedding for an archangel or a sub-level Demon and will go outside the registry and provide a nice crystal vase, an exquisite set of candlesticks or a flaming pitchfork encrusted with the entrails of the damned, depending on the wedding. Remember, the right gift for the right couple.

Now that you've selected your gift, be it a set of wine glasses, a formal dining place setting, or a still-throbbing human kidney, it's time to attend the happy occasion. Remember, this is an important time for the couple, and should be treated as such. Certain behavior, such as toe-tapping, humming or vomiting blood can be seen as rude, disrespectful, and can lead you straight to Hell. Many times, as I've prepared to marry the latest Bride of Satan, someone's cries of complete and utter horror grew so imposing, I was forced to have that soul swallowed whole by a flame-breathing multi-headed demon where they would spend eternity slowly dissolving in the demon's stomach, and that's never a pleasant scene. Trust me, no one likes a disturbance at a wedding, so be respectful.

After the ceremony is the reception, and that means one thing: Free Food! I try to make my weddings memorable, and the food is often plates of fried human membranes covered in a white wine and entrails, or perhaps the roasted skull of the guest's children, but most weddings won't be as fancy, and you'll probably end up with chicken.

Keep these thoughts in mind and you're sure to enjoy wedding after wedding, basking in the glow of impending doom, since I get more people who have forever damned themselves through the adultery commandment than the other nine put together.

I'm Satan, see ya later!