Bean.

Say it loud and there's music playing.

Say it soft, and it's almost like praying.

Bean.

I'll never stop saying, Bean.

So I saw this movie, right? And it's called, get this, Bean. It's from Britain, which usually means that the characters all talk funny, but not this time. See, the only true Brit in the movie is Bean himself, and well, he really doesn't say much at all.

Don't know who Bean is? Silly person, you will soon. Bean is this guy, created by Rowan Atkinson, who makes the Dumb and Dumber guys look like Stephen Hawking with bad teeth. He's a virtually silent disaster waiting to happen. He's a force of nature, destroying any and all in his path. He's Bean.

The story, as much as it needs to be, is an actual plot. Basically, Bean comes to America to deliver a speech on the great painting, Whistler's Mother. Not that he understands that this is why he's in America, but then, that's part of the fun.

Bean is for kids. Bean is for adults who wish they were still kids. Bean is for anyone who wants to laugh, laugh, laugh. Bean is an idiot. Well, actually, that's not fair. Bean is basically a child of about 9 in a man's body. He has almost no idea of what he puts other people through, he can't help it, etc.

He reminds me a lot of our editor. But don't tell him I said that, he'd throw a fit.

The really cool thing about the movie, is that they gave me a Bean mask. So now I can walk around with Bean on my face. That's too cool for words.

Should you see Bean? Yes. Yes you should. As if your life depended on it. Does your life depend on it? Quite possibly. Let's just say I learned a few things about cooking turkey that will stay with me for life.

When you get right down to it, Bean earns 3 3/4 Babylons. A good amount, especially for a movie with no nudity and no big explosions. See, we Americans, need to see this movie, if only to get what the rest of the world is laughing at. Bean has already made over $100 million world-wide and it hasn't even opened in the States. So you think some stupid foreigner gets to laugh at something that we don't? I don't think so! We invented comedy! If there's a funny movie out there, we need to embrace it, love it, and remake it with Robert Stack in the role of Bean.

It is our sworn duty!

I've said my piece.

Editor's note:

I am nothing like Bean! Nothing! Bean's a loser! I'm not a loser! I have friends! No, really, I do!

Stupid Critic.

Bean
Rated: PG
Directed by: Mel Smith
Starring: Rowan Atkinson and Whistler's Mother.