The following film was brought to you by the color yellow. Yellow, it's not just for butter anymore.
I need me a Superhero. But I want him to be invincible. But I don't want him to be anything like Superman or nuthin. In fact, he's gotta be dead, yeah dead. But he's still cool. I want him totally cool, and the babes will wanna do him. And he's a different person each time so I don't have to worry if my actor dies in the first movie.
Enter the Crow.
OK, I never saw me the first Crow movie, but everything I hear about it tells me it was good. So until further notice, I'll believe them.
I saw The Crow: City of Angels. (Not The Crow 2: City of Angels. It's no longer kosher to call a sequel "Whatever 2" - Batman Returns and Batman Forever instead of Batman 2 & 3, Star Trek: Generations instead of Star Trek 7, She's the One instead of The Brothers McMullen 2) This sequel, for my money, isn't bad. I have no problem with a new Crow (the first Crow, Brandon Lee, was accidentally killed during filming of the first movie). But this movie is fun, with limits.
Style 10, Excitement 3.
The makers of this movie wanted to be as true to the graphic novel (nerd term meaning "Comic Book with Attitude") as they could. And for that, they succeeded. Some of these shots feel as if they were taken right off the pages, before the ink had even dried. Thing is, a lot of the movie is spent in reflection. Sure it builds character, but it gets slow.
But let me not detract from what was, in all honesty, Goth: The Movie. I mean this baby is the wet dream of every Cure and Morrisey listenin' punk who's been dissed in school. (Dissed is a young punk term meanin' razzed, givin' lip, or denied prop's. I looked it up.)
The story: People die. Sometimes, if they die by unjust means (murder, political assassination, fed to pigs, too much Barney) then a crow carries their soul back to right the wrongs. They walk around, looking as alive as we, but they're dead, and you can't hurt them, cause they feel no pain. Then they go around righting the wrongs that were inflicted upon them (read - kill the piss heads who killed them) and their soul moves on to the afterlife. So there ya go. Vincent Perez is dead, he comes back to avenge his death, as well as the death of his little boy. He does it in some very poetic ways. And there is always the mark of the crow when he avenges all over someone's ass.
So if I tell you that everybody dies, it shouldn't surprise you, the hero starts dead. Got it?
Here's the thing. The movie is an excuse to kill a lot of people, and that's what I came for. But only five or six people killed him, so he only kills those people. Five fight scenes in a long two hours. As I said, there's a lot of reflection. Goth folk reflect a lot, I guess.
A good thing about this movie, is that it isn't gross. A couple times, I thought "Oh God, no. This is gonna be disgusting." but, like The Phantom, they don't ever actually show any of the really sick stuff, they just let you watch someone watching it, or they cut to outside of the building and let you hear their screams. So they get a point for modesty.
The movie was made well. It has no real holes or problems. It really wasn't my thing, but I could see certain people loving this movie. A few ex-girlfriends come to mind, but then a day rarely goes by without some ex-girlfriends coming to mind.
Did I mention that this movie was filmed entirely in Yellow? It's like someone forgot to pay the light bill and we've got a perpetual brown out. I'm sure it was a stylistic decision, but I just felt like I was looking through pee.
The acting is adequate. No one stands out, good or bad. Iggy Pop makes a very nice appearance as a crazed, drugged out fiend. Yes, like Cory Feldman in Bordello of Blood, he gets to play himself.
One thing that made me think. There's a scene where bad guy is talking to girl. Then bad guy is out of sight with girl for a second, when he gets girl back in sight, Crow is there, ready to kill. Now this was a good scene, and a very funny line. But I couldn't help but think, "Where's the Girl?"
In all, this movie is a fine example of what happens when you give an art student $40 million bucks to make a film. He makes an art film with Hollywood production values. With that in mind, I'm gonna give The Crow: City of Angels 2 3/4 Babylons. It earned 'em.
Now don't get pissed off at the review and come to kill me.
I'll come back, except my soul will be carried by a Penguin. So if you do kill me, could you please migrate up north where I can get at you? Thanks.