Dear God,

Hi, how ya doing?

Me? Oh I can't complain. Back's acting up a bit, and the knee still gives out in the winter, but the kids are in school and Ma was acquitted.

So I was wondering, God. Things have been tough and what would really be great would be if you could syndicate my column across the nation. I mean I'd be good, see more movies, even ones that suck like Kazaam, and would donate a small percentage of my immense salary to a charity. A good one, like the Ethical Cataloging and Slaughter of Lawyers.

I'm sorry, that wasn't very pious was it God? I'll be better, oh and do ya think I could win the lottery next week? They got themselves a $20 million jack-pot. That would be cool.

Thanks a bunch.

Amen and all that,

The Self-Made Critic

Yeah so I saw me Dear God. This is the big Greg Kinnear becomes a huge star movie directed by Garry Marshall, whose last picture was the epic wonder Exit to Eden.

OK, before I get into this thing I want to make one thing clear.

I liked the movie. It's a lot of fun. It tugs at the heart strings at the right times and is moderately funny at other times.

OK, now the review.

It isn't a very well-made movie. The script has more holes than the New York Jets Defensive Line and it takes leaps of logic so large even Ross Perot would stand up and yell "Hey, that's getting a little crazy!"

But in the end, the "Miracle on 34th Street" premise takes you home and you end up fighting tears in your eyes. Well not me, I mean, I'm a real man, but those lesser wimpy folk, they tear up. Uh-huh.

The movie centers around the story of a con-artist who ends up working for the post office and begins to answer a bunch of letters sent to God. Hilarity ensues. Greg Kinnear is this postal worker, and you know what, he's great. He's damn likable, charming and all that. This movie won't propel him to stardom, but watch out for this guy, because he has that Tom Hanks, damn likable thing going for him. We'll see him again.

The other performances are adequate, including some eye-opening cameos. Exceptions to this are two outstanding performances, one by Tim Conway (remember him?) as the old postal carrier who lost his route because he bit a dog, and Laurie Metcalf from TV's Roseanne as a work-a-holic turned loon. She's damn funny.

So after watching the movie, I got to thinking, I wish I could write to God and have all my problems go away. But stupid me, I'm always writing to Twiggy, the Patron Saint of Arbor Day. I never get anything back but a pile of dirt.

Anyway, the movie makes you smile, and you know exactly what will happen throughout, and it doesn't matter, because you're having fun.

And that's what movies are all about right folks? Fun. That's why we go out and lose ourselves in the majesty of this great art of ours. We yearn to have fun and so we flock to the movie houses and watch the picture screen and we rejoice that we live in such a great country and God Bless America!

(steps off the soap box, dabs his forehead with the American Flag)

All told, Dear God gets 3 Babylons. I know, I know, boring, but it just hit me as a 3, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Look for my own sequel "Dear Twiggy" starring Loni Anderson and Fred Savage due in theaters next spring.

Editor's Note:

There is no "Dear Twiggy."

I just thought I should make sure you all understand that.

I'm having fun with you.