"When the movie was over, I turned around and there was The Self-Made Critic with a huge shit-eating grin on his face like he'd just copped a feel on Helen Hunt and 1991 Playmate of the Year Lisa Matthews all at the same time."

-The Self-Made Critic's valet, Monday morning.


Having no life, I went to see Arnold Schwarrtzenneggerrr's Eraser Sunday night, alone. And of course I ran into my valet on his day off, who was also seeing it, alone. We have no life.

But we saw a kick-ass movie.

This time Arny saves the world from total devastation via a sale of mega-blow-up-your-butt guns. There's also a babe he has to protect, and some treason and conspiracy. You know, sub-plot stuff. As if Arny needs a sub-plot. Come on people, give the man a gun and 237 bad guys to kill and you've got yourself $100 million.

Thing is, Eraser did more.

To get into the mood of an espionage thriller, I bought a scalped ticket from a frantic old woman who was sure we were going to be arrested any minute.

When the sirens came, I dashed into the safety of the theater with the ticket, and she was gunned down by three police officers buzzing on a sugar-high. Then I grabbed her broken body, stumbled back into the theater and yelled, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"

Sorry, wrong review.

Then the movie began.

Let's start with the action. It revs up after twenty minutes .. oh hell - it revs up after 20 seconds, and it doesn't let go.

You have all seen the trailer with Ah-nold sky-diving into a parachute. Well guess what, that's only the beginning of the greatest, most imaginative, and most exhilarating stunt I've ever seen. The one stunt has about four separate traumas and contains sheer brilliance. It was so good, that even though you can almost see the movie magic behind the stunt, you stand and applaud at it's completion because of it's complete audacity.

I don't want to give anything away, but only Arnold could ever get away with playing chicken with an airplane 10,000 feet above the ground.

There are other great action sequences, And if you like action, you must see this movie. The computer-generated alligators are terrific, although they're awfully viscous and aggressive for zoo exhibits. And I don't think they actually are supposed to roar...

But don't let a few suspensions of disbelief stop what is a truly rewarding experience. The script is crisp and moves at lightspeed.

Arnold is terrific being ... well .. being Arnold. He grunts, he smirks, he kills a lot of people. Someone do me a favor and start a body count when they see it. I'm betting the total is over 200 individual kills.

Not to be outdone. Nude Miss America Vanessa Williams is the damsel in distress who kicks some ass!

You know, it's interesting to think that the only Miss America in recent years to make it big, is the one who went naked as a Jaybird in Central Park. I highly recommend it for future Miss Americas looking to hit big.

What a career. Miss America. Penthouse (or Playboy, I forget which) a number 1 song, an Oscar winning number for a Disney film, a lead role opposite Arny in an action blockbuster.

I hear she paints a mean Picasso as well....

About the subject of the movies, the guns.

I want one.

These things do something horrible and just destroy anything in their way. They see through walls and your skin, and can center on your heart. But they must be a bitch to aim because someone's shooting them at Ah-nold in every scene and they never seem to kill him.

I hope I haven't ruined anything for anyone.

There are some great one-liners which children will be spouting for months on playgrounds across America. But the biggest laugh comes from a small black girl at the end of The Stunt.

Is there a sequel here? Sure. And it might kick ass, except it would be hard to find an excuse to bring Vanessa Williams back, and she's half the fun.

James Caan is what he always is, and it works wonderfully.

Plus, it has Farmer Hoggit from the greatest movie of 1995 and the best movie to star a pig ever.

At one point, they're searching for his password on the computer and I was just hoping it would be "Babe."

He looks Vanessa Williams right in the eye and I swear I heard someone say, "Come, Pig."

All told, Eraser scores 4 1/2 Babylons for being an adrenaline rush of the mightiest kind.

If you want your heart to pound, your head to sweat, your groin to ache, go to Eraser.

Arnold would want you to.

That's it, go home.

You've been erased.

Editor's Note: Sorry. Arthur's back with the slogan references. (See the Hunchback review.) We thought we'd gotten rid of him by sending him to The Arctic Circle in a Hibachi grill, but he hitchhiked back with a French-speaking Eskimo tribe's Jet-Ski Troupe. It was such an incredible story, we had to take him back. Plus he's great at parties.

We were gonna mail him to the South American Jungle, but we didn't have enough postage. So we sent him for pizza. Unfortunately, he snuck back in before this thing went to presses and added the slogan.

Next time we'll send him for Chinese, it takes longer.

Word from our Sponsor:

Actually we don't have a sponsor, but it sounds cool doesn't it?

On behalf of Self-Made Inc., I'd like to apologize for this whole Arthur mess. I have no idea where it came from, or where it's going. I do know that it is playing havoc with an otherwise reputable review column. We'll try to weed out the weirdos before next week's openings: The Nutty Professor and Striptease.

Guess which one The Self-Made Critic is looking forward to the most? Hint: "Self" is a good word to describe the S-M Critic. So is "lonely." So is "pathetic." Another hint: One of these movies has a semi-named Demi Moore in it.

There ya go.