To best critique this film, this wondrous play
I thought I'd try my hand at rhyming verse
that this be ill or good I cannot say
I'd've done it as a rap but that'd be worse

t'were many years before I read this tale
in college courses, mainly English lit.
the book oft reads slow as a common snail
my butt in pain became from such a sit

Yes Hamlet is the film I have gone seen
a four hour masterpiece to feast the heart
Sir Kenneth Brannagh brings this flick to screen
it's Shakespeare so you know it must be art

so down I sat to watch young Hamlet's prose
quite thankful for the intermission break
it is all there from ghosts to Gertrude's nose
to violent death, as much as you can take

the acting's fine, what else would you expect?
the filming epic, wondrous just to see
and Kenneth has a calling to direct
and act the lines, "to be or not to be."

Kate Winslet also should be given praise
Ophelia comes alive beneath her touch
and with his noble stance and steely gaze
Man Heston as the Player King's too much

but did I truly love my time within
did Brannagh's movie move me to no end
or would my time be better spent in sin
mayhaps spent drinking with a naked friend

the answer, no. I'm glad I saw this show
I shall not see it's like until I'm dead
it's just so much, four hours' too long you know
three times the length of Beavis and Butthead

don't get me wrong, you all should go and view
this Hamlet if you like good theater
if so then see it, please yes, really do
my rented friend thought it's the thing for her

all told, I think 3 Babylons it gets
plus one for art house types if these you like
it beats a day spent with the New York Mets
or nighttime with one very large bull-dyke.

I've said my piece, my work is now complete
I truly hope you chose to like it well
the rhyming couplet thing's been quite a feat
but if you did not care then go to hell

Editor's Note:

I'm not even gonna try.

Basically, this was part 2 of the three part "quality movie" thing. And we're as surprised as anyone with what he came up with. One more of these things and he should be back into the filth and muck which he so loves.

Oh yeah, if we spelled any names wrong, he says it was to make the meter fit. Whatever.