That's what you are,
Not even a scar
You could try to saw your lap in two,
But that silly blade would snap in two
It's strange to me
That someone could be...

In every way,
Disasters strike,
You're A-OK.
Your smiling face is so heartache-able,
'Cause you are so damn Unbreakable
I wish that I
Were Unbreakable, too.

And so goes Samuel L. Jackson's love song to Bruce Willis in the new film from M. Night Shamalamadingdong - Unbreakable.

The story of Unbreakable...is... well it's...kinda....

I can't really tell you.

Bruce Willis is a security guard who miraculously survives a train wreck and Samuel L. Jackson is the comic book collector who loves him.

As far as you know.

M. Night Shammycloth and Bruce previously teamed up on The Sixth Sense, and Bruce and Samuel previously teamed up in Die Hard with a Vengeance (and Pulp Fiction and Loaded Weapon 1, if you really care) so this movie becomes sort of a Die Hard with a Sixth Sense. Or maybe just Die Hard 6.

Cause when you think about it, Bruce's character here has a lot in common with John McClane of the Die Hard movies.

A) He's a cop (or in this case a security guard) who's just minding his own business when the plot of the movie falls in his lap. B) He and his wife are estranged. C) You can't kill him.

The perfect Die Hard formula.

The movie builds and builds and twists and turns and takes it's own sweet time doing it. It can be seen as long, even though it's only 106 minutes. It can be seen as slow at some points. It's chock full of 'artsy' shots. The ending is^ well.. M. Night Shamookie has a thing for interesting endings, doesn't he?

There are some gripping scenes. I'd tell you about some of them, but that would give the movie away. Trust me, they're gripping.

Bruce's performance is very.. well I can't really say. He was very good, but he took it a little .. well.. it was good, but maybe too much, or not quite enough. You'll understand. Samuel was also very good. He brought a great sense of realism to his...well.. I don't want to ruin the movie so.. it's good.

This movie is not for everyone. Many of you will love this movie, and think it is brilliant. Many of you will hate it, and think it is stupid, dull and lame. The problem is, I can't really tell you which types of people fall into which categories because I don't want to give it away.

At least with Sixth Sense, you could tell folks that a kid saw dead people, here, you really can't tell folks much of anything. The trailer sums it up best. (And is the first five minutes of the film.) Train Wreck. Everyone's dead but Bruce. He's miraculously unharmed. Samuel L. Jackson has a bad haircut. Weird.

And it is weird. It's spooky. Sometimes. It's moody. Sometimes. It's definitely different. I can tell you that Bruce isn't dead in the movie, although even though you know that I bet some of you will sit in the multiplex wondering "Is Bruce dead?"

I dug this movie a lot. I saw it with three other people (all pretty women hired to make me look popular) and I was the only one who liked the movie. When the credits came up at the end, half of the audience applauded. The other half booed and hissed.

But the one thing everyone could agree on was...well...that they'd seen a movie.

It's not for everyone.

I'm giving Unbreakable 3 3/4 Babylons. Others will disagree. If you disagree, good for you. Don't bother me with a long tirade about why you disagree and why I'm so wrong and why my mother should have never bothered to birth me in the first place. I don't care.

Editor's Note:

I love it when the SMC sings. Remember The Perfect Storm review?

Here's a little ditty I wrote about the SMC:

(to the tune of "Fly Me To The Moon")

The Self-Made's a buffoon
He should be put behind bars
Every living thing should be warned
He acts like he's from Mars

In other words,
He's askew
In other words,
Get a clue.

Rated: PG-13
Directed By: M. Night Shyamalan
Starring: Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Robin Wright and.. well, that's really all I can tell you without giving everything away. There are other people in the movie, but I really can't even tell you if they are men or women or kids or dogs or what.