The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features


If Movies Were Smart

Idiocy reigns in movies. But what if it didn't? Here now are a few of this year's films, and how they would go if the characters weren't total idiots.

Jurassic Park 3

EXT. SHORES OF DINOSAUR ISLAND

A young boy and his step-father go hang gliding off the coasts of Dinosaur Island. Something bad happens, they crash onto the island.

INT. LECTURE HALL

DR. GRANT addresses students.

DR. GRANT

No force on Earth would ever get me to go back to that island.

INT. RESTURANT

COUPLE convinces Dr. Grant to take them to the island.

COUPLE

We'll pay you two million dollars.

INT. BANK

Dr. Grant tries to cash the check.

TELLER

I'm sorry sir, there's no money in that account.

DR. GRANT

Well then, so much for going back to that island.

THE END

Hearts In Atlantis

INT. BOARDING HOUSE

Strange new TENANT talks to BOBBY.

TENANT

If you notice anything strange, let me know. People are after me.

EXT. STREET

Bobby sees first sign on telephone pole.

INT. BOARDING HOUSE

Bobby runs up to strange new tenant.

BOBBY

I found this note on a telephone pole.

TENANT

Oh my, thank you. Well, see ya!

Strange new tenant leaves.

THE END

The Musketeer

EXT. FRENCH FARM

Evil man kills D'Artagnan's mother and father in front of his eyes. Six year-old D'Artangan bravely swings sword at evil man, slicing him in the eye.

EVIL MAN

My eye! Why you little...!

Evil man runs his sword through D'Artangan, killing six year-old boy instantly.

THE END

Jeepers Creepers

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD

BROTHER and SISTER drive by abandoned church and see strange man dumping a body down a pipe.

SISTER

Oh my God! We have to go back there and help that person!

BROTHER

Are you crazy! He'll kill us!

SISTER

Oh right. Good point. Nevermind.

THE END

The Mexican

EXT. MEXICAN COMPOUND

Mexican overlord walks up to loser underling.

OVERLORD

Hey loser underling, you know that American who is looking for you to pick up that gun you have?

UNDERLING

Yes Boss?

OVERLORD

He's picking it up to bring it to me.

UNDERLING

Oh.

OVERLORD

So why don't you just give it to me now and we can forget the whole thing and go drunk.

UNDERLING

Works for me boss.

Underling hands Boss a gun.

THE END

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