The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings


Michaelangelo's David

David has become not only the ultimate expression of the classical ideal of human physical perfection, but in our society it has become the sole remaining reason we don't just ban nudity outright. Whenever some country threatens to just outlaw genetalia entirely, someone points out that art sometimes has a penis. If it weren't for Michaelangelo's vision, government-sanctioned decency patrols would even now be breaking into our bedrooms with truncheons and nerve gas. A

The Chicago Picasso

Predictably, this statue was controversial when first unveiled. Many people are accustomed to thinking of public artworks as featuring primarily pretty things exuding spouts of water, and this sculpture of a vengeful aardvark god threw them off their stride. I am told, however, that Chicagoans have come to embrace the statue as their own, in the same perverse manner that they embrace insanely cold winters and "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown." B

Laocoön and His Sons

There's a story behind this statue. It involves Poseidon and the Trojan horse, but the upshot is that this is a statue of three guys being strangled by a giant sea serpent. The sons in question are kind of tiny compared to Lacoon himself, which I am led to understand is to give a sense of perspective when viewed from the front. I guess I can see that, if I squint. I don't really like squinting in front of art, though. I'm always concerned people will think I'm trying to levitate it. C-

The Discus Thrower

Without a doubt, this is the finest piece of artwork ever created by a guy named Myron. And so sensibly named, too! That man is definitely a discus thrower. Kind of a stupid discus thrower considering how close he's standing to that stump, but nonetheless a thrower of the discus. C+

The Thinker

This statue is Rodin's gift to the world of sculpture, and the world of clip art. As a deep and profound symbol of, uh, a guy thinking, it outshines even the light bulb symbol. Besides, within a few decades light bulbs will have been replaced by self-contained fusion panels, but a naked guy giving himself back problems never goes out of style. C+

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