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by Lore Sjöberg
Flight
This sounds like a really raccoon power to have. Aside from the
pure adrenaline rush, there's also the ability to get home from
bars without catching a bus. My guess, however, is that the whole
navigation thing would be a problem for me. I can never tell
an aqueduct from the Astrodome when I'm in a plane -- once I'm high enough
not to be taken out by telephone wires and overpasses, I'm
going to lose track of where I am pretty quickly. Supes probably
has some sort inherent Super-Nav system, but I'd have to carry around
a GPS, making me a candidate for the Legion of Geeky Justice. B
Super Strength
I'd dig on super strength. It's handy for so many purposes, from
serious task completion to showing the hell off. However, there's
one thing that would give me serious pause about signing up for
this: friends moving. If you've ever owned a pickup
truck you know how it is to have random acquaintances suddenly claim
"best buddy" status when they have to move. With super strength,
I figure you can square that and add twelve. "Superman? It's Jimmy.
Say, I'm moving this weekend and I was wondering if you could help.
Hey, there's a six of Burgie in it for you!" C+
Heat Vision
Okay, in a bad-guy or welding context, this is really handy. But
in real life, I don't know. I mean, there's not much you can do with
heat vision that you can't accomplish with a microwave or a lighter
and a gas-soaked rag. Sure, it'd make a nifty party trick, doing
"Plastic Army Guy Death Scene Theatre," but in the long run I think
it'd be much less useful than, say, being able to pack grocery bags
really well. C-
X-Ray Vision
Okay, let's leave aside the question of
what it would be like to have X-ray vision, and look at
what it would be like to know someone with X-ray vision.
Wouldn't that be eerie? "You have some spinach on your teeth. No,
the back ones." If I were Lois Lane during that balcony scene, I'd
be saying "Hey, fuck you!" at several points during the
conversation. But then I never ask people to tell
me what color panties I'm wearing outside of strictly controlled
psychological tests. C-
Invulnerability
Not much of a downside to this, as long as you're also invulnerable
to things you might want to get a shot for. And your hair and
fingernails aren't invulnerable. And you're not planning on getting
into the piercing and tattooing scene. And your skin doesn't have
the texture of cold bicycle tires as a result. But given these important
caveats, being able to throw yourself at, in front of, or off of things without
fear of consequences has many practical everyday uses. Hailing cabs,
for instance. A
Super Breath
Yes, Superman has super breath. He can inhale and exhale large amounts
of air without swelling up like Daffy Duck connected to a bicycle pump.
We're dealing here with a man who can travel between the stars, who can
change the course of mighty rivers, who can, in certain incarnations,
reverse the flow of time itself. When does this guy encounter a problem
that leaves him with no recourse but to breathe on it? At any rate,
any potential uses are automatically offset by the fact that
it's called "super breath." D
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