The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Battle Beyond the Stores

The main factor behind the success of Pokémon is so bafflingly obvious that I'm sure thousands of toy executives are beating themselves in the head daily. If you want to make a toy that appeals to both boys and girls, there's no need to break down centuries of gender role stereotyping. Heavens no! Just make cute little cuddly characters that beat hell out of each other! D'accord!

It's a darned shame this approach didn't occur to our nation's crap-hawkers a decade ago, or else we could have seen all sorts of interesting and-cartoon creations. To wit:

Strawberry Smackdown

The sweet smell of fresh berries mingles with the scent of sweat and blood as adorable moppets with mayhem on their mind climb into the eighteen-foot steel cage they call "The Berry Patch."

Smurfs: The Reckoning

There can be only one. The Smurfs come to the sudden instinctual realization that they are destined to behead each other until only one survives.

Hello Kitty, Goodbye Teeth

Snapping from the accumulated rage of years of two-dimensional minimalist whimsy, Hello Kitty takes it upon herself to beat all of her little friends into a pulp for no clear reason. She has no mouth, and she must pummel!

My Lethal Pony

Dozens of killer ponies with pictures of assorted weapons, symbols of death, and severed body parts garishly tattooed on their flanks live in a constant state of war and strife. Try and comb their hair and you may lose a finger.

Baby Killed-A-Guy

This precious infant with a dark past comes with a certificate telling you its name, gender, and how it pleads. You'll love your new baby for 20 years to life!

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