It's happened to all of us. You pick up some tale of intermingling, intercourse, and interjections, take it home, and suddenly realize you don't know whether what you've just bought is porn or erotica! Should you read it in bed with the shades drawn or in a sunny meadow with a glass of white wine? Should you expect to get hot, bothered, or both? Thank heavens we're here to help you out.

Yes No Does the story have two or more consecutive paragraphs describing someone's hands?
Yes No Are genitalia routinely referred to as "the sex"? As in "He pressed his hard sex against her soft sex and they had sex."
Yes No Are female breasts at any point called by a name with one or more double O's? Examples: "boobs," "gazoongas," "wahoolazooboos."
Yes No Do women in the story apparently achieve orgasm primarily by chanting the word "harder"?
Yes No Is menstruation referred to in any context, ever?
Yes No Does the story make reference to classical mythology? The phrase "oh, God" does not count.
Yes No Does the plot revolve around the seduction of anyone in the landscaping, home repair, or nursing profession?
Yes No Does the story contain any of the following words: "languid," "age-old," "melancholy," or "madcap"?
Yes No Is the title of the story "The [Location of Sexual Activity]"? Examples: "The Cabin," "The Veranda," "The Bahamas."
Yes No Is the main character already naked when the story begins?
Yes No Does the story involve four or more people having sex simultaneously, not strictly in pairs?
Yes No Is anything described as "crotchless"?