by The Self-Made Critic

Happy Holidays my faithful movie-going public!

OK, I'm a little early, but we're finally in November and that means one thing and one thing only... It's The Holiday Movie Season!!!

The Holiday Movie Season -- the final two months of the year -- typically includes four types of movies.

A) Big budget action movies that weren't quite ready to go for the summer.

B) Serious films that have no hope of making money unless they get nominated for Academy Awards.

C) Family Films.

And

D) Stuff for the Teenagers.

So what's coming out this year? Read on, fellow traveler, and all shall be made clear...

Nov. 6th:

The Siege. Bad people start turning New York into Lebanon and Denzel Washington and Annette Bening try to stop it. Then Bruce Willis shows up and takes 7,000,000 people hostage and forces them all to watch North. Or something like that. TYPE: A

The Waterboy. Adam Sandler is a socially inept boy who manages to channel his pent-up rage by smashing football players silly on the field. What, you want more? TYPE: D

Nov 13th:

Meet Joe Black. Three hours long. Brad Pitt. You decide. TYPE: B

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. More teen slashing staring members of Party of 5. Which I think just goes to show that anyone who is forced to grow up without parents is headed for some serious trouble. Stars Jennifer Love Hewitt and some other people who probably die. TYPE: D

Celebrity. Woody Allen submits his yearly therapy session. Has Leo DiCaprio in it, so mindless, screaming thirteen year-old girls can get introduced to the Wood Man's neuroses. TYPE: B

Nov. 20th:

A Bug's Life. ANTZ part 2. The folks that brought you Toy Story hope against hope that public wants to see another computer-animated movie about insects. TYPE: C

Rugrats. The Nickelodeon cartoon series tries to cash in on the big screen. Think of it as Beavis and Butthead for three year-olds. Come to think of it... Beavis and Butthead IS for three year-olds. TYPE: C

Enemy of the State. Will Smith is the man. I don't need to know anything else about the film. It's a Will Smith movie. Go see it. TYPE: A

Nov 25th:

Babe: Pig in the City. THE PIG IS BACK!!! I loved Babe. Babe rocked. Now they've made a second talking pig film. I'm gonna be the first in line. TYPE: C

Very Bad Things. A bunch of normal people accidentally kill a hooker in a hotel during a bachelor party. It's a comedy. The word on it is that it is sick, sick, sick. And darned funny. All in all, a great film to open on Thanksgiving Weekend. Stars Cameron Diaz, Christian Slater, Daniel Stern and Jon Favreau. TYPE: D

Dec. 4th:

A Simple Plan. Bill Paxton and Billy Bob Thornton find 4.4 million in cash in a downed plane. Things go downhill from there. Billy Bob wears really big glasses and a silly wig. And as well all know, when he looks silly, it's usually a good movie. TYPE: A

Psycho. Some high muck-a-muck decided that it'd be a good idea to remake the Alfred Hitchcock classic. I guess he thought old Alfred didn't quite get it right the first time. Puh-Lease. Still, it's got Vince Vaughn in it. TYPE: A

Dec. 11th:

Star Trek: Insurrection. Picard and company save a planet of hippie people. What, you expected something good? Come on, it's an odd-numbered Trek film. They always suck! TYPE: A

Dec. 18th:

The Prince of Egypt. Dreamworks animations tells the story of some kid named Moses who parts the Red Sea and talks to God. Based on some old book, it's an animated adventure that isn't really a feel-good happy-happy story. In putting this movie together, Dreamworks consulted with over 350 scholars, theologians, archeologists, Egyptologists, and Bible experts from all over the world. If this is a hit, I hear they're planning on putting the book of Leviticus to music next. TYPE: C

You've Got Mail. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan fall in love over the internet. Directed by the woman who directed Sleepless in Seattle. Word is, they had to change the ending to give the film a happier ending. No one liked the realistic ending that had Tom chasing Meg down over the internet, and then brutally butchering her because he was a socially mal-adjusted psycho who could only meet people online. TYPE: C

Jack Frost. Michael Keaton, realizing that people only like him in movies when he's hiding behind a mask of some kind, plays a bad father who dies and then comes back as Frosty the Snowman. Think of it as Regarding Henry in a snow storm. TYPE: B

Dec. 25th:

OK, get ready. Here we go-

Stepmom -- Julia Roberts, Susan Surandon. Cancer. TYPE: B

A Civil Action -- John Travolta. Trial lawyer. Based on a TRUE story, not a Grisham story. TYPE: B

The Thin Red Line -- Saving Private Ryan part 2. Starring lots of people who weren't actually alive during World War II. TYPE: B

Patch Adams - Robin Williams is a funny doctor who rubs the establishment the wrong way. No, it's not an Awakenings remake. TYPE: B

Mighty Joe Young -- Large Gorilla runs amok in California. Bad sign #1 - this film was supposed to be released about a year ago and it's been in post production for quite a while... TYPE: A

The Faculty -- Students fight their teachers, who turn out to be Aliens. Heck, isn't that always the case? TYPE: D

Hurlyburly -- A tale of irritating, drug-using, women-hating Hollywood wannabes. It's got Christmas printed all over it. TYPE: B

There's some other smaller, unimportant films also being released X-mas day, but they are small and unimportant.

There ya go! What are you gonna see? Mark your calendars for your favorites! Let's all gather after the holidays and share our thoughts! Merry Christmas!

Editor's Note:

Please take The Critic's thoughts with a grain of salt. Remember, he predicted that Godzilla would be good.